Moiya's Musings

moiyahatake @ 2023-04-15T20:24:00

2023-04-16T03:25:03Z

I’m still alive.

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Tools for your anti-depression-anti-anxiety toolbox.

2014-09-23T06:25:44Z

http://thequietplaceproject.com/thethoughtsroom/

http://amitaytweeto.com/thequietplace/old_version/

Because I suffer from depression. And because of events over the last two years I have plummeted to the bottom of the dark pit of emotions and anxiety and suicidal thoughts all over again. A place I thought I would never have to fight my way out of again. I spent six years there last time. Dropped out of school so close to getting my bachelors degree. Developed phone phobia and couldn't leave my house unless it was absolutely necessary. My daughter suffered the most. And then I climbed my way out again because I was inspired by new friends and writing.

It's all gone mostly now. Everything I fought to get back.

My job. My home. My cats. Most of my furniture and things I had earned over the years. Even a lot of my friends. I lost so much in the last couple of years. And I can't find my way out again. I'm alone this time. Far more alone than I've ever been.

I found those sites on a tumblr post by a person who had suffered from depression as well. I feel like they're good tools to have when writing in a journal or tearing up pages isn't enough. No one listens to what I have to say anyways. But this way it feels...more freeing than anything else. And I can get out some of my feelings and thoughts without being judged by anyone for them.

Because the world is full of judgmental hypocritical assholes. And when you're already in the bottomless pit of hell called depression you don't need those people making you feel worse about yourself.

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Fears, even the ones you don't know you have, can haunt you in your sleep.

2014-08-26T04:00:41Z

I have this reoccurring nightmare. Involving the same people and the same situation and the same emotions. Emotions so strong I wake up feeling them as if they are real.

Because they are.

Every dream/nightmare is the same. We have to pack and be out right now. Right now. Today. No time. Pack everything, don't forget anything, don't lose anything else, not again, pack it all into boxes, on a truck, get out. Get out.

Today I realized a fear I thought I had healed from wasn't really gone.

I felt the panic, the fear, the terror of moments repeating themselves. It always comes back to being useless, worthless, easily replaced by something/someone better because I was only a filler episode, and in between.

And then when I thought it had started to pass one of two spaces I occupy was shoved/pushed, trying to erase my existence by moving one of only two places that I occupy. Out of the way so as not to be more of a burden than I already am.

I am only worth what I can offer and right now I am not worth anything more than dishes and trash. I am broken. I have nothing else to offer. All that I had I have given away to people who took it and then tossed it aside when it was no longer needed to be tolerated.

I've lost it all. My job, my home, my belongings, my personal space-even the space inside my head isn't safe anymore. All the things I loved, that made me happy, that kept me sane and whole and moving forward in life towards sunrises and sunsets and hope, are all gone. The light inside me is dying and no one who cares if it goes out completely.

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Getting back to basics....

2014-08-17T21:59:45Z

I think I'm going to start using this journal again. Not sure what I'll write. Maybe thoughts and feelings I don't feel safe putting anywhere else. It's been a while and a lot has changed. I have changed. Life has worn me down and even more so people have worn me down.. Everyone is in life for themselves and anything that gets in their way is run down, disowned, thrown away. I'm trying not to become them, but I have changed and I need to find my way back to the person I used to be, the one that made me happy, who was stronger than the people that abuse my kindness and friendship.

I'm just not sure how to do it alone.

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What It Means To Be A Lady

2013-01-21T18:47:07Z

We finished watching season 2 of RuPaul's Drag Race last night and as I sat watching the reunion episode I couldn't help thinking, "It's not as catty as I thought it would be." Which then led to thoughts of how beautiful and eloquent and honest these women are. Those thoughts led to Bad Girls Club and my mind was comparing the two. And this is my conclusion: The women on RuPaul's Drag Race are real women. They are well spoken, strong, beautiful, deep, meaningful, honest, talented, eloquent. They are ladies and are very lady-like in their mannerisms, speech, behavior. The women on Bad Girl's Club think they're ladies, claim to be ladies, but they're not. And despite being ladies, being beautiful, being polite, being amazing ladies who can shine brighter than a star, they can still kick your asses Bad Girls Club. And they'll do ti with their wigs and high heels and still be more of a lady than you could ever be.

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Randomness is Random

2012-10-04T04:20:58Z

So I remembered I have this journal after going through all the trouble to transfer it here to DW from LJ. I'm going to be writing here more often again. I think I've missed having a place to put my thoughts where I'm just putting them out into the Universe where others can read and ignore or comment if they wish. Somehow this feels better than plurk because plurk feels like I'm only posting my thoughts to get attention and maybe some people think of it that way.

This feels more like a journal instead of a post-it-note board. LOL But instead of paper and pen I'm typing. I type better than write because my brain is moving so fast my fingers can barely keep up and I get frustrated with writing.

Anyway....I've been roleplaying mostly. It's funny how roleplaying keeps me from writing fanfiction. I would think it would inspire me to write more, but I get so excited roleplaying with people I can't write on my own. I've met some new friends through roleplaying. And since I'm not very socially adept in the real world this makes me happy. Hopefully, they won't read this journal and run away from the insanity that is my brainz. :D

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My heart hurts.

2012-01-12T01:02:53Z

I have this unbearable pain in my chest and all I want to do is cry. And again I find myself alone with this burden that is so heavy it's crushing me. But all I can do is sit as quiet as I can when I want to scream in agony. Because I push everyone further away with my need to not be alone and everyone already feels so far away that I can't reach them even on my good days.

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The most amazing person in the world...

2012-01-09T02:02:11Z

I have the most amazing person in the world for my best friend. She's beautiful, smart, adorable, funny, creative, talented, wise. She can make me smile, make my heart soar, break to pieces, all at the same time. She has been my sanity, my friend, my co-writer, partner in roleplay and my inspiration. She's logical enough to help me see when I'm being too emotional and emotional enough to make me want to hug her forever. She deserves everything good in life. She deserves happiness and freedom and someone to appreciate and cherish her always. I always miss her, always love her, always will be here for her no matter what.

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Depression

2012-01-06T19:21:41Z

Does having depression invalidate my emotions?

Sometimes I feel like it does. That it makes it easy for people to say "Take a pill and shut up." because they believe my emotions to be a simple matter of chemical imbalance and therefor are not real. Not to be taken seriously. Bothersome.

I sit and read about my friends problems, listen to their heartaches and happiness, cheer them on and hold them close. I do not regret doing this. I do not want them to stop. I want to be there for them no matter what and I never once wish them to be quiet or feel like a burden because I know they need to let loose the turmoil in their heads and hearts. They are not a burden to me. They are my friends and I have the strength to give them a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen and if I can help in any way, I will do these things for them without thought or hesitation.

But when my fingers hover over the keys, when I'm preparing to vent or rant about what's going on in my head and heart, I find myself wondering if anyone will really care. Will they be thinking "Take a pill and shut up." or see me as being selfish because I know they're going through difficult, emotional times themselves? Will they see my emotions as real or only the result of my illness?

Does having depression invalidate my emotions?

People say we feel what we think. But it's different for me. I think what I feel. My emotions come first before any thought. And I know when it's my depression taking control of my thought process. I've learned to recognize this and that's part of the reason I don't vent or rant all the time. Even if I'm breaking apart and just need to let out the pain inside.

But sometimes....sometimes I feel trapped by my illness. Because either the world thinks I'm weak for not just snapping myself out of it or they see all my negative emotions as a result of my illness and therefor are not real and deserve no validation. I say all because any negative emotion I have is automatically labeled and associated with my illness.

So when my fingers hover over the keys and something undesirable and unwanted is sitting in my mind I doubt myself, my emotions, my pain. And I doubt that anyone in the world really wants to hear what I have to say when they have problems of their own. And I find myself deleting most of what I say because sometimes what I say is the result of my depression. But sometimes it's not. Sometimes I just need to cry on someone's shoulder.

But do people see me or do they see my depression?

Does having depression invalidate my emotions?

I find myself sitting outside my body looking in and asking this question because I am off my meds at the moment and I know part of what I'm thinking and feeling is the result of a chemical imbalance. But part of it isn't. It's the latter part that needs to vent or rant.

But when my fingers hover over the keys...

Even now I'm regretting writing this.

I am selfish.

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